I have such a hard time writing about personal stuff because I feel like it would be easier to just live a happy private life and have no social media to be completely honest. BUT there is too much negativity on social media and if I can help or comfort anyone in any way then it is so worth it to me to write even if I get judged.
Before I was a pregnant I struggled badly with depression and anxiety. It started happening when I was 12. I would randomly go into panic attacks not knowing why. I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t realize what was wrong. I even ended up in the hospital. It wasn’t that I was trying to get attention because at the time I had no clue that anxiety and depression could make me feel physically sick! People would tell me all the time to “just be happy” and I wanted to scream because I had every reason to be happy and I didn’t know why I felt like I did. Fast forward to a doctor’s appointment to check up on baby, my doctor asked me if I had ever had depression. I explained to him that I did. I had my highs and lows but I learned to manage it a little better. I still struggle with it. He told me that since I had already experienced that, that I was better prepared for any postpartum depression than someone who was brand new to it. I honestly wasn’t too worried at all but oh boy I was in for a real shock.
I had all sorts of emotions with the coming of our sweet baby girl. I was excited. I was scared. I felt unprepared. I had no clue what to expect. I’ll never forget when my mom told me that if I didn’t feel close to her it was normal. I brushed it off thinking it wouldn’t happen. Well, she finally came and I had never been in so much pain in my life. Physically and emotionally. I had this beautiful healthy baby girl and I had EVERY reason to be happy. But I was not. I did not feel like a mom. I did not feel like I was even close to her at all and I felt sooo guilty and I felt like I was already failing as a mom. I questioned if I even truly loved her. I thought I hated being a mom and I felt so sad. I always asked myself “How could I possibly feel like this? I am such a horrible person!” There were even times where I felt like I would be better off if I was not alive. I felt that I didn’t deserve to live since I was having horrible thoughts. I wasn’t going to commit suicide or anything like that but I felt like I didn’t deserve to live. I felt so uncontrollably sad and heart broken. I honestly could not understand how I was feeling like this because I always knew I would wanted to be a mom one day. The only reason I even got out of bed was to take care of her but even that was hard. I felt so ugly too. I hated how I looked and had never felt so ugly in my life. I felt like I was falling apart. There were times that I thought that I didn’t care about my baby. My emotions were all over the place. I felt so much self loath towards myself for not being a better mom and for the uncontrollable thoughts that I had. I was terrified of the monster I had become. I was so so scared and wondered what would happen if I snapped? What if I hurt my baby? I would immediately sob after having those thoughts. I would cry to God and ask why He would make me a mother and have me feel like this? I didn’t know who I was anymore.
I started to recognize that something was wrong because of what I had previously experienced with depression and also the warning my mom gave me. I know not everyone experiences the same things but it is SO important to get help when you feel like you can’t take it anymore.
How did I get better?
I always ask myself how did I go from being super depressed to where I am now? I just remember sobbing to my mom and my husband A LOT and letting out everything I felt. I felt so exposed and weak. I was embarrassed and I felt horrible. Every time I would feel super depressed I would let someone know. Immediately, my mom or husband would tell me that I should get out for a little. At first, it was rough because even trying to walk was painful because I had an emergency c-section. Once I felt better, I would go out to the store or have someone take me for a drive. I felt that going out did nothing but then I started to feel a little more like myself. I can almost imagine how a mom would feel if she didn’t recognize what was going on. I’m sure that mom would feel like she was horrible person who deserves to not live because of the sadness and terrifying thoughts that cross her mind. I’m sure that mom would feel like a crazy person. Now I see why there are some who commit suicide because of postpartum depression and this is why I choose to share my story. Some moms don’t realize that postpartum depression happens more than some think and it is totally okay to get help. There is medication, counseling, family support, or if you don’t have family support there are hotlines. Postpartum depression doesn’t mean you are crazy or that you’ll always feel like that. Please, if you or someone you know is suffering get help. Everyone is so different so one thing may work best for one person than the other. For me, recognizing what was going on, praying, letting my thoughts out, and getting out for a little to take a break helped me. I still struggle with depression but it is not as bad as it was when I first had my baby. I am looking into other ways to overcome this challenge and I pray that I can find the right balance.
I could not imagine my life without my baby and I am so thankful God gave her to me. She is such a happy baby! I love her SO much and she is my world. I love being her mom and I would suffer all of that again just to have her. I realized that I did love her this whole time I was just not thinking straight because of depression. I promise it does get better but you can’t do it alone. And that’s ok. I am someone who wants to do it all and I hate asking for help. I am thankful for the family support that I have and I know not everyone may be super close to their families but there is other help too! If you or someone you know is struggling don’t hesitate to reach out to your doctor, that is what they are there for! I hope that this can help comfort someone or at least help someone feel more “normal” and not alone for experiencing this. You are welcomed to comment down below or message me if you need someone to talk to. I promise it’s not weird. Also, just because you see tons of moms posting on social media of how happy they are to be moms just remember they struggle too! It is so easy to compare. There is so much pressure to be the perfect mom. If you worry about being a good mom that is already a sign that you are a good mom. 🙂
Thankful for high waisted swimsuits that hide my mommy tummy. 😉